Dating sociology
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It is also very important to society. As you've read throughout this chapter you have glad a great deal bout how we perhaps even You include or exclude people into or away from your pool of eligibles. I was surprised when I learned that more people have more morals than I had previously thought. One of the most interesting topics of sociological dating sociology is the note media. Social conservatives tend to define the family in terms of structure with each family member filling a certain role like father, mother, or child. The copulatory gaze, looking lengthily at a new possible partner, brings you straight into a sparring scenario; you will stare for two to three custodes when you first spy each other, then look down or away before bringing your eyes in sync again. Consider, after all, that people do search for potential dates in terms of hair color, body type, and income. The 1892 law that permits dating sociology use of con punishment for children in Canada was upheld by a Supreme Court ruling in 2004 within certain restrictions, but corporal punishment remains a controversial issue in Canada CBC News 2004. Other times in-laws and extended family incompatibilities work against the marriage. The Matchmaker painting by Gerard van Honthorst 1590—1656 Autobus can meet other people on their own or the get-together can be arranged by someone else. When we see people we filter them as either being in or out of our pool of eligibles.
Today we search for soul mates. Look around you in the classroom. How many potential mates are sitting there? In other words, how many single females or males are there in the same classroom? These are the types of questions and answers we consider when we study dating and mate selection. In the United States there are millions of people between the ages of 18-24 18-24 is considered prime dating and mate selection ages. The US Census bureau estimates that 8. Those numbers should be very similar in 2010 when the Census is collected. Does that mean that you could have 15 million potential mates out there somewhere? Yes, potential yet no in realistic terms. You see, it would take more time than any mortal has in their life to ever interact with that many people. When we see people we filter them as either being in or out of our pool of eligibles. Filtering is the process of identifying those we interact with as either being in or out of our pool of people we might consider to be a date or mate. There are many filters we use. One is physical appearance. We might include some because of tattoos and piercing or exclude some for the exact same physical traits. We might include some because they know someone we know or exclude the same people because they are total strangers. Figure 1 shows the basic date and mate selection principles that play into our filtering processes This inverted pyramid metaphorically represents a filter that a liquid might be poured through to refine it; IE: coffee filter. That couple in the bottom right-hand corner is my wife and I on a field trip to the Association for Applied and Clinical Sociology in Ypsilanti, Michigan. She and I travel without our children at least twice per year and we have been attending professional conferences together for more than a decade. We met in college in 1985. We dated, became engaged and married in the same year. All of the principles discussed in this chapter applied to how my wife and I met, became friends, and chose to marry. They will likely apply to you and yours. Figure1: Types of Filters Used to Eliminate or Include Potential Dates and Mates Propenquity is the geographic closeness experienced by potential dates and mates. Proximity means that you both breathe the same air in the same place at about the same time. Proximity is crucial because the more you see one another or interact directly or indirectly with one another, the more likely you see each other as mates. I often ask my students how they met and when they tell their stories I help them to identify the geography that was involved in the process. Physical appearance is subjective and is defined differently for each individual. Truly, what one person finds as attractive is not what others find to be attractive. There are a few biological, psychological, and social-emotional aspects of appearance that tend to make an individual more attractive to more people. These include slightly above average desirable traits and symmetry in facial features. According to the the average man in the United States is 5 foot 10 inches tall and weighs about 177 pounds. The average woman is about 5 foot 4 inches tall and weighs about 144 pounds. Did you just compare yourself? Most of us tend to compare ourselves to averages or to others we know. This is important to understand that we subjectively judge ourselves as being more or less attractive; because we often limit our dating pool of eligibles to those we think are in our same category of beauty. If you are 6 foot tall as a man or 5 foot 8 as a woman, then you are slightly above average in height. For women: larger eyes, softer facial features and chin; fuller lips, and an hour-glass figure facilitate more universally desirable traits. Am I excluded from the date and mate selection market? There is a principle that I have found to be the most powerful predictor of how we make our dating and mating selection choices--homogamy. Homogamy is the tendency for dates, mates, and spouses to pair off with someone of similar attraction, background, interests, and needs. This is typically true for most couples. They find and pair off with persons of similarity more than difference. One of my students challenged this notion in the case of her own relationship. He like Mexican food, I like Italian. He likes rap and I like classical music. Do you vote on similar issues? Do you have similar family backgrounds? Do you both come from a similar economic class? Couples are not identical, just similar. And we tend to find patterns that indicate that homogamy in a relationship can be indirectly supportive of a long-term relationship quality because it facilitates less disagreements and disconnections of routines in the daily life of a couple. I believe that we filter homogamously and even to the point that we do tend to marry someone like our parents. Our mates resemble our parents more because we resemble our parents and we tend to look for others like ourselves. Heterogamy is the dating or pairing of individuals with differences in traits. All of us pair off with heterogamous and homogamous individuals with emphasis more on the latter than the former. Over time, after commitments are made, couples often develop more homogamy. Maslow sheds light on how and why we pick the person we pick when choosing a date or mate by focusing on how they meet our needs as a date, mate, or spouse. Persons from dysfunctional homes where children were not nurtured nor supported through childhood would likely be attracted to someone who provides that unfulfilled nurturing need they still have. Persons from homes where they were nurtured, supported, and sustained in their individual growth and development would likely be attracted to someone who promises growth and support in intellectual, aesthetic, or self-actualization becoming fully who our individual potential allows us to become areas of life. It may sound selfish at first glance but we really do date and mate on the basis of what we get out of it or how our needs are met. The Social Exchange Theory and its rational choice formula clarify the selection process even further. When we interact with potential dates and mates we run a mental balance sheet in our heads. This while simultaneously remembering how we rate and evaluate ourselves. Rarely do we seek out the best looking person at the party unless we define ourselves as an even match for him or her. More often we rank and rate ourselves compared to others and as we size up and evaluate potentials we define the overall exchange rationally or in an economic context where we try to maximize our rewards while minimizing our losses. The overall evaluation of the deal also depends to a great extent on how well we feel matched on racial and ethnic traits, religious background, social economic class, and age similarities. Truly the complexity of the date and mate selection process includes many obvious and some more subtle processes that you can understand for yourself. If you are single you can apply them to the date and mate selection processes you currently pursue. Bernard Murstein wrote articles in the early 1970s where he tested his Stimulus-Value-Role Theory of marital choice. Theories and Research in Marital Choice: New York; Springer, 1976 392 pages. To Murstein the exchange is mutual and dependent upon the subjective attractions and the subjective assets and liabilities each individual brings to the relationship. The Stimulus is the trait usually physical that draws your attention to the person. If after time and relational compatibility supports it, the pair may choose to take Roles which typically include: exclusive dating, cohabitation, engagement, or marriage. From the very first encounter, two strangers begin a process that either excludes one another as potential dates or mates or includes them and begins the process of establishing intimacy. Intimacy is the mutual feeling of acceptance, trust, and connection to another person, even with the understanding of personal faults of the individual. In other words, intimacy is the ability to become close to one another, to accept one another as is, and eventually to feel accepted by the other. Intimacy is not sexual intercourse, although sexual intercourse may be one of many expressions of intimacy. When two strangers meet they have a stimulus that alerts one or both to take notice of the other. I read a book by Judith Wallerstein 1921-2012 see Wallerstein and Blakesley 1995 The Good Marriage where one woman was on a date with a guy and overheard another man laughing like Santa Clause might laugh. She asked her date to introduce her and that began the relationship which would become her decades-long marriage to the Santa Clause laughing guy. In the stimulus stage some motivation at the physical, social, emotional, intellectual or spiritual level sparks interests and the interaction begins. Over time and with increased interaction, two people may make that journey of values comparisons and contrasts which inevitably includes or excludes the other. Even though Figure 2 shows that a smooth line of increasing intimacy can occur, it does not always occur so smoothly nor so predictably. As the couple reaches a place where a bond has developed they establish patterns of commitment and loyalty which initiates the roles listed in Figure 2. The list of roles is listed in increasing order of level of commitment yet does not indicate any kind of predictable stages the couple would be expected to pursue. In other words, some couples may take the relationship only as far as exclusive dating which is the mutual agreement to exclude others from dating either individual in the relationship. Another couple may eventually cohabit or marry. Dates are temporary adventures where good looks, fun personality, entertainment capacity, and even your social status by being seen in public with him or her are considered important. Dates are short-term and can be singular events or a few events. These couples eventually hold a DTR. Ever had one of these? Many describe them as awkward. I think awkward is an understatement. In the TV series The Office, Jim and Pam experience a number of DTRs that early on in the relationship ended with either or both of them wanting more closeness and commitment, but neither of them being capable of making it happen. The Office is fiction, but the relationships clearly reflect some of the human experience in an accurate way. Notice that Jim and Pam were from the same part of the country, had very many social and cultural traits in common, and both met in a setting where they could see each other on a regular basis and have the opportunity to go through the SVR process. Homogamy, propenquity, need matching, compatibility, and eventually commitment all applied in their story together. The cultural similarities of a couple cannot be emphasized enough in this discussion. Many of those living in the United States share common mainstream cultural traits, regardless of ancestral heritage or ethnic background, date and mate selection occurs for nearly all members of society. Figure 3 shows a list of cultural and ethnic background traits that influence how the inclusion and exclusion decisions are made, depending on how similar or different each individual defines themselves to be in relation to the other. Many who teach relationship skills in cross-cultural or trans-racial relationships focus on the similarity principle. The Similarity Principle states that the more similar two people perceive themselves to be, the more likely their relationship will continue and succeed. Also, certain individuals value one background trait over others. They may be more willing to overlook or ignore differences in traits which are not as similar. Much of the difficulty she had in including him as a mate was her perception that her cultural and family background was unattractive and could not be desirable to potential mates. He was deeply attracted to her family because it filled his need for family connection, tradition, and support. He changed his religion, learned the Greek culture, and adopted her family as his surrogate family. The relationship is less likely to develop if there are few or no common traits and more likely if there are more common traits, especially in the areas of commonality that the individuals define as being very important. Dating often turns into exclusive or boyfriend-girlfriend type relationships. These relationships are crucial in the lives of young adults because they allow each other to gain experience in the daily routines of intimate relationships. There are a few key guidelines if you need to break up. These make sense but also have a tremendous amount of literature and science to back them up. First, before you break up, do a maximize rewards and minimize cost—pros and cons evaluation so you can make sure that breaking up is the best choice you can make. Second, break up clearly so there is no ambiguity about where the relationship might be headed. Third, avoid hanging out together after the break up. I know you see this in TV shows and I know you have friends who probably still hang out after the break up. And remember that a woman is more likely to be physically attacked by her intimate partner than by any other person even strangers. There are some rules that can be summarized about how we include dates or mates in our pool of eligibles. Figure 4 shows that rule 1 is Exogamy. Exogamy is the tendency to pair off with or marry someone outside of your own familial groups. Figure 4: Five Rules of Date and Mate Selection Most people follow this rule with little or no formal instruction. Rule 2 is to find a compatible person who can have their needs be met by you and your needs be met by him or her. Rule 3 is to select someone who is a good find, great deal, or maximized reward, minimized costs formula. You are deserving of a date or mate who will reinforce your value as an individual and who will be pleasing to you. Rule 4 is to maximize homogamy and look for commonalities that will smooth out the daily adjustments of the relationship. Rule 5 is very important. You must learn to discern trouble and danger in a date or mate. Intimate violence is the worst and most deadly violence especially for women. Their dates, mates, spouses, and life partners are more likely to cause them violent harm than will any other category of relationship in their lives. Figure 5 provides some criteria to identify as red flags, warning signs, or danger signs. Figure 5: Risky, Dangerous, and Otherwise Unhealthy Traits in Potential Dates and Mates The risky and dangerous traits you might see in a potential date or mate can be early warning signals to raise red flags. In fairness, the presence of any one of these may just indicate a bad day. Some potential dates and mates are predatorial. That means they search for types of people they can manipulate and control and try to pair off with them. The presence of a few of these could raise your suspicions enough to become a savvy shopper, discriminating consumer, or even a detective of danger signs. Remember, that when dating and selecting a mate overcautious discernment is justified. Most people never experience the extreme dangers of dating. Many chose to marry and do so more often in the warmer months of the year than in the other months. When relationships form and engagements are made and agreed upon, an entire social experience is initiated where new social roles and networks begin to unfold. Engaged people announce their plans to family and friends and by so doing initiate a few processes within the social community of each fiancé. Announcements of the engagement begin the process of exclusion of others. That ring deters most because it symbolizes her agreement to marry her fiancé. I often joke with my students that you get in-laws and out-laws when you marry. Not all in-laws will get along with the couple as well as might be wished. The creation of extended kin ties is crucial to a successful engagement. To some degree in-laws are expected to at least be compatible with the new family member fiancé and if possible in another degree to establish close relational bonds. Engagement also signifies to the couple the ultimate direction of their courtship. Marriage and the merging of: social networks, belongings, monies, physical intimacy, rights, children, and many other things becomes the focus. Engagement provides the couple with opportunities to practice being married, in many different aspects of the relationship. Most engagements end in marriage. But, some end in a breaking up event where the marriage is cancelled. Sometimes couples realize that they were not as compatible as they originally thought themselves to be. Sometimes, they are geographically separated by various circumstances and find that their commitment did not withstand the test of time and space. Other times in-laws and extended family incompatibilities work against the marriage. And finally sometimes, people just fall out of love or lose interest. For those who are searching for a spouse the market is an uneven playing field. China passed a very strict law in 1979 allowing only one child per couple. If nothing is done to change this trend, Poston noted, by 2020 there will be 55 million extra boys in China. China is not the only nation with a severe marriage squeeze. India has tremendous problems with their marriage squeeze issues. For example in 2001 India had 35 million extra men nationwide retrieved 5 November, 2009. In 2003 China was reported to also have about 35 million extra men retrieved 5 November, 2009. There is also a phenomenon called the Marriage Gradient. The Marriage Gradient is the tendency for women to marry a man slightly older and slightly taller while men tend to marry a woman slightly more attractive. Based on recent US Census numbers presented above there are about 15,675,000 males and 15,037,000 females ages 18-24. That boils down to 638,000 extra males in the marriage market 18-24. Since women tend to want to marry a man slightly older the marriage market is squeezed because there are too few females for all the available males. In fact, this leads some men to marry women 6 years or older; women who already have children; and women 4-6 years younger. As you've read throughout this chapter you have learned a great deal bout how we perhaps even You include or exclude people into or away from your pool of eligibles. Enjoy dating and mate selection. It is a wonderful time of your life that can be the best and simultaneously the worst of times. What Do I Look For in My Ideal Mate? Please support our effort to keep these materials free by making a small donation. If you can't donate, enjoy the free books. You may put more than one A, B, or C in each category.
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